My Dear Son,
As we await your arrival, I have so many thoughts and feelings. Honestly, I’m still a bit shocked that I am welcoming a FOURTH boy into our family. I can remember standing on top of a mountain in Kazakhstan in my 20’s and asking God to bless me with sons one day. I’m not even sure why I asked for that, but I did.
Soon after, I met your Dad, and soon after that we married, and soon after that we started having sons!
My world changed.
My world changed again when I learned you would be joining our family. I thought we were complete as a family of 6. I had given away our well-used baby items and was mentally preparing for the next season of motherhood. The one that possibly included more sleep and less diapers.
God, however, thought there was room for more. More love. More diapers. More growing. More wrestling.
I feel your movements and wonder if you have thoughts. I think I would. Every day you hear so much. Your siblings crying into my belly- your home- after getting hurt. Laughter. Music. Bickering. Netflix. Caramia saying for the thousandth time with her lips pressed against my belly button, “Look at the cute fat belly. I can’t wait to meet that super cute baby.” And then singing to you a melody she makes up on the fly.
You hear your Dad and I planning and praying about our future. Dreaming of what you might look like. What our family might look like. What our world might look with your light in it.
I wonder if you’re scared. I mean, you’ve got a pretty nice set-up in there as a womb child. But out here, you will be entering a world that often feels dark and scary. I’m scared a little, too. I want to protect you from scraping your knees, from getting bopped on the head by a sibling, from disappointment and grief and injustice and all the stuff that keeps many grownups up at night arguing over social media.
But I want you to know that you are welcomed here. In our family. In our community of friends and relatives who have rejoiced since the moment we all learned of you. Every day, your Dad and I are learning how to love, how to nurture. Both our children, each other, and ourselves. It’s hard work, but we’re committed.
And you and I have been learning how to work together, too, haven’t we? For 9 months we have taken cues from each other and have found ways to communicate. What to eat. What to avoid. When to sleep. When to move. Perhaps my favorite memory of this pregnancy was waking up that one night to notice that you and I were hand-to-hand, nothing but my ‘cute fat belly’ in between us. It was so quiet. So peaceful.
We’re about to enter our biggest effort yet- working together on your Birth Day. I’m not quite sure I’m ready for labor. I’m not quite sure I’m ready to be a mother of 5. I’m not quite sure what ‘ready’ even looks like?!
I wonder if you feel ready to enter this family? This world? But I know this: we will work it out together. You’ve got a whole lot of loving arms waiting to welcome you and we just can’t wait to get to know you!
PS. Caramia promises to keep singing to you. And Sammy says he’ll teach you how to use his ax. And Silas wants to be there to witness your entrance. And Judah is willing to surrender his role as the baby. So, yeah, you are welcome here!